All I'm Saying...

Hex Hector + Shawnna Brooks = Night to Remember
'Nuff said.

Played Out

I recently checked the Play Counter on my MP3 player and my music tastes are way too across the boards. I’m not one to set myself up for ridicule so I won’t place them in the exact order of highest to lowest or vice versa, but damn, where is my musical taste going? At least the Fray (pictured) are in my Top 10. Hot.

• “Crazy,” Gnarls Barkley – yeah, I think the shelf life is about to expire on this one.


• “First Time (Offer Nissim Club Mix),” Maya – This year’s “Heart Attack”


• “Sugar, We’re Going Down,” Fall Out Boys – “I’m a loaded God complex, cock it and pull it.” ‘Nuff said.


• “Faster Kill Pussycat,” Paul Oakenfold f/ Brittany Murphy – shit’s got bounce


• “I Write Sins Not Tragedies,” Panic! At the Disco – damn you Genre.


• “Over My Head (Cable Car),” The Fray – I can’t get enough of the lyrics, brilliantly written. I mean, they use the word “disengage” and give it a relationship spin.


• “Girl Next Door,” Saving Jane – I admit it, I like it. A lot.


• “Sexy Back,” Justin Timberlake – The song doesn’t even sound like him, but hey Timbaland is behind the beats so the shit is definitely grooving.


• “What’s Left of Me,” Nick Lachey – umm yeah, I don’t know when I downloaded it, but it’s been ear-worming its way into the top 10. WTF?


• “The One That Got Away (Wamdue Extended Mix),” Natasha Bedingfield – it’s a house thang. Y’all don’t know shit about Wamdue, do ya’?

Mariah Carey is Kinda Scary...

Late Wednesday afternoon, I got a phone call from my buddy Tim.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Without embarrassment or hesitation I told him I was watching this week’s and last week’s Project Runway.

“I’ve got extra tickets to see Mariah Carey tonight if you want them. I can’t go.”

Now, for the record, I sorta like Mariah Carey. I really like her ear-worming up-tempo stuff (i.e. anything produced by Jermaine Dupri), but her ballad shit has got to go (see “Hero”). Hell, I probably have a copy of Emancipation somewhere in my stack of promo CDs. I hold no judgments regarding her emotional/mental breakdown or her slut phase. We all have them, it’s just we’re smart enough not to get booked on TRL or Cribs when the medication is out.

I told him I’d take them off his hands and called NPB. Of course she said she’d go. I suspect she would go see U2 in drag if she had a chance. The other abandoned tickets went to Mathew (one T) and his buddy Eddie. We had a great time. Mariah’s voice, as per usual, was amazing. Despite her many flaws, the bitch can sang the house down. As far as stage presence, well Heather Daniels could have replaced Mariah -- even without a rehearsal. This bitch didn’t do shit on stage but mug. The fabric on her dress(es) moved faster than she did. Oh and why wasn’t every outfit rhinestoned into oblivion? C’mon now, all those Number Ones and Grammy’s and you can’t wear anything that sparkles during your World Tour? Bad, fag hag, bad.

I will say this though; Mariah has got some really influential peeps in da’ ATL. How about Da’ Brat popping up on stage? Then we had Jermaine Dupri’s three foot ass on the other side of the stage. Sorry kids, that’s an ATL exclusive, you won’t be seeing that in LA, Topeka or Ontario. I was half expecting T-Boz, Chilli and Big Boi to jump up there too.

I had to wonder if Janet was waiting on Jermaine at home to cuss his ass out the second he walked through the door. Jermaine would be all "honey, I'm home" and Janet would be talkin’ all “You went to that bitch’s show?” Shut her down, Janet, shut that shit down.

As MC went through her show, I had to admit I caught myself bopping to at least half her set. The bitch has had some hits and then some. Ok, another sidebar, but can Trey Lorenz please find another gig? Or at least a decent record label that will actually promote him? The man has got talent, but there’s only one Nikki Harris, know what I mean? Oh, and Trey, did you actually take Mariah to Fat Matt’s or did you just grab her some take out? Not this bitch got a fish sandwich either. Girl, it’s all about the ribs and half-chickens.

But I digress; overall I liked the show and had a great time. I really need to stop picking apart production value and enjoy them for what they are.

(PS All apologies for the previous post being so melancholy. I had to get it out of my system. Oh, and thanks for all the encouraging words from all of my dear friends.)

In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory of Silveria Herrera

(Actually written Thursday, July 27, 2006)

“Listen.”

An hour ago I got a phone call from my younger brother, Jay-Jay. He’s only a year younger than me, but he’ll always be Jay-Jay even when we're in our 50’s. I knew it was something bad. Our conversations never start with the word “listen.”

“Lola passed away,” he said in nearly a whisper.

Lola means grandmother in Filipino.

This wasn’t shocking news. As a matter of fact, I feel bad that I didn’t feel worse. Now, I know it may come across as cold, but I came to terms with my grandmother’s passing months ago during my last visit to Florida. She’s been on life support for several months now and may she rest in peace, she was a bad ass that kept fighting until she was ready to go and no one would tell her otherwise. And, that is how I choose to remember her. It would be an insult to think of her in any other way.

What made me cry was not being able to be there for my mom. I could hear her in the background crying. Although she and I have had so many discussions about death and moving on, I guess nothing can really prepare you for reality.

Jay-Jay eventually handed her the phone and she repeated the news. Why couldn’t I think of anything more to say than “I’m sorry?” And, why is it that those words never feel enough? I’m a writer for fuck’s sake. I should have an entire back catalog of the right things to say in bad situations. No, instead it was “I’m sorry;” poor, inadequate, trite “I’m sorry.”

Mommy was there with Lola until the last second. Mommy held her hand until she was gone. She said to me she wasn’t going to let Lola go by herself; that she had to be there with her. She said she didn’t want it to be like when my father passed away; that he left my mom when she wasn’t there. This is when she started crying again and dropped the phone. Jay-Jay picked up the phone and said he was going to stay there with her. I told him I would see them on Saturday, but I’d call on Friday.

It wasn’t until a few minutes later that I got hit like a sledgehammer by my mom’s words. What kept playing on a loop in my head was the part where she wasn’t there when my father passed away. I hope my mom hasn’t been carrying around that kind of guilt for this long. That is a lot to hold on to; a lot of pain to harbor. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, let alone my best friend in the world.

Jay-Jay also told me my little baby, Haylee was in the room when Lola passed away. I knew this was some small comfort for my mother. Let me explain, just like all other mothers, my mother is the head of the family. She takes care of all. She is the strongest, she is the provider and she is the Diva.

With Haylee there, my mother would never allow herself to slip into a depression. With Haylee, my mother sees that she is still needed, that she still has to be strong for the babies and new editions to the family. Haylee represents my other nieces and nephews Aimee, Amber, Lucas and Nyko -- that my mother is still the Queen Bee; Haylee represents life and that it certainly goes on.

I suspect she felt powerless as the foundation for the family after losing her own mother. I suspect this because my mother and I are the same way in mind and how we mull things out in our heads. That’s why she’s my best friend. In no way do I feel her equal; I could only aspire to be as strong as she is, as clever and as intuitive.

I wish I had a time machine. I wish I had a teleportation machine. I wish I had the capability to be there this very second. I have none of these things. I wish I could take away Mom’s pain. If I could, I certainly would. It’s not “I will,” but “I wish;” poor, inadequate “I wish.”

I’m happy Lola isn’t feeling pain anymore. I’m happy she’ll be reunited with Lolo and her sister. For now, that will have to do since I can’t really find any other happiness in a time like this. I hope that’s enough. I won’t downplay hope like “sorry” or “wish.” I say it all the time, but it wasn’t until just now that I understood and subscribed to the concept: Hope does spring eternal.