DEJA VU

So, my friend Margaret was trying to get me to create a new "Pride Guide" like I did last year. Umm, well here's the thing - that Pride Guide was something I had written two years previous and because I was so busy last year, I just threw it on me blog until I had something to write that was fresh and new.

Yeah, hope springs eternal. So, in its entirety, the repost of a post that was a column from two years before that. Uh, yeah, it's still fucking funny damnit.


Pride Guide

It's here. It's fucking here! Pride truly is my favorite time of the year. A lot of work has gone into some of this year's nightlife productions so I hope you fickle fags like what we came up with. I was racing against time and had to rehash some stuff I had written in previous years with a contemporary twist. And, damnit, I'm a funny motherfucker sometimes.

At any rate, here's one of the Guest List/Fast Tracks from years past. It's funny how my advice still holds true today. Damn, I'm good.

PARK AREA GUIDELINES

Contrary to popular belief "The Bath House & Pool" you find on the Pride Map is NOT sponsored by a Membership Only Club. You will get arrested for those activities and all of your friends will laugh at you.

The same men you find in classifieds do NOT run the Massage Center found on the Pride Map. All personnel found at the Massage Center are professionals, have faces and do not announce their stats. We ask that you DO NOT bid on the personnel. You can not get a massage with full release.

The Operations Center is not there so you can get sex changes, penal implants, face-lifts, or wrinkles removed. And, no, your insurance will not cover it.

Scuba diving and skinny-dipping in Lake Clara Meer is NOT encouraged and is actually frowned upon. We will not be held responsible for any strange fungus growing out of any orifice as the result of these activities.

Religious Zealots: These people are there EVERY year. Remember, nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd; follow your mom’s sage like advice and ignore them. Getting suckered into a debate is just a waste of time. Think about it: Nothing you say will make them change their minds and put down their “God Hates Fags” signs.

***The best and easiest way to get under their skin is to have a photo shoot right next to them. Be sure to put on the cheesiest possible grin and then post the pics on the net. Even better, e-mail it on over to the Church they represent. (2006 Update: Post it on your blog or on your MySpace profile too!) Good times.


PARK FASHION FAUX PAS


If you have piercings and insist on showing them off, please remember that metal does get hot in the sun. Scarring may occur and let's face it, how attractive is that?

It may look cute when you have it on, but please consider humidity and heat as factors when deciding on your ensemble. We highly recommend reassessing your outfit if it includes any of the following materials: vinyl, velour, fur (real or faux)

Color coordinating your outfit with the frosty beverage you have in your hand is always fun. So when you're up at the Beer & Beverage kiosk, please note what you have on.

If you must incorporate a rainbow flag into your ensemble, we recommend bringing extra twine, duct tape, and/or super glue in case of those messy emergencies

In the words of Absolutely Fabulous vixen, Patsy Stone: Beware of wigs.

PARADE BEHAVIOR

Please be courteous of other hecklers during the Parade. Witty commentary does not have the same punch if repeated several times by different people.

Please be courteous of hangovers during the Parade. Bring enough aspirin for people within a five-foot radius.


Fighting for the free giveaways from each float is not necessary. There is plenty of lube and condoms available at local free clinics.


FOOD & BEVERAGE

For those of you that insist on bringing your own food to the Festival, we have provided a Safety List of things you should probably leave at home.

Sushi, Anything with mayonnaise, Jell-O, Crawfish, Sardines, Anchovies, Chitlins ,Brie, Fondue, Soufflé, Pickled Pig's Feet, Oysters on the half-shell, Pimento Cheese, Caviar and Toast Points


MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS

For your convenience, we've also created a checklist of miscellaneous items you should bring with you to the Park.

Cell phone-communication is key
Sun block-eliminate premature wrinkling
Pen & Paper-be prepared, anticipate collecting phone numbers
Sun glasses-cruise without being caught while filtering out those harmful UV rays
Deodorant and/or perfume/cologne-self explanatory
Mints and/or chewing gum-also self explanatory
Designated Driver-safety first
Contingency Code Words-assign words for use in case of emergency, this way your buddy can pull you out of messy situations. (Example: "Have you seen Phoenix?" really means "Get me away from fag.")

Everyone up to speed?

Good. I hope everyone has a wonderful Pride. Please remember to be safe from crossing the street (look both ways) to driving drunk (call a cab) to your tricks (wrap it up). I'll try to post throughout the weekend, but we all know that's probably not going to happen.