Diary of a Drag Pageant, Part One

As the old adage goes “never mix business with pleasure.” I, for one, refuse to limit myself to such a clichéd proverb.

It’s been a while since my last post on business type affairs. Truth be told, I felt a whole transition kind of thing happening, but didn’t really know what to expect next. So, I slowed down on my weekly rituals of bar-hopping, but got very bored very quickly. Then, I took on the project of all projects: refreshing and rejuvenating the Miss Jungle Pageant.

A Little Help, Please?
First and foremost, I recruited the incredible Ashley Kruiz as the Co-Producer. Within our first few conversations, we had plotted out a competition that will rival the now defunct Miss Hotlanta pageants – not in the completely stunted way of its last couple of years, but back when the themes were super right like “Year of the Dragon” and “Portrait of a Lady.”

All Eyes On Me
Next on the list was to bring in the Host of all Hosts, Mr. Charlie Brown. To my delight, she agreed without hesitation – “for Brad Williams (owner of Jungle),” she said, “I’d do it in a heart beat.” It’s amazing how much we can accomplish as a community isn’t it?

Will You Wake Up?
All right, moving along, the next step was getting rid of tired ass pageant themes a la Drop Dead Gorgeous (“Proud to be an American,” “Amer-I-CAN”), quite laughable and extremely snooze fest, you know? Let’s have something with some bite, something that will incorporate the fact that Jungle is indeed a club, not a jewelry store (“All that Glitters” – yawn.). I’ve got it – “Into the Deep, Dark Jungle.”

I love me some animal print and I live for branches, twigs and all that.

Let's Get Ready To Rumble
Last year there were four contestants in Miss Jungle. My lovely Auntie ‘Oonch (Paula Sinclair) barely had to show up to win that pageant. This year ladies, it ain’t gonna be that easy. Without saying too much, it’s gonna be a bloodbath. And, not in a literal sense, heavens no -- who has that much Oxi-clean in stock?

Now, let’s see, we’ve got a diva host – check. Exciting theme – yup. Sickening reigning queen – absolutely. Growing list of brilliant contestants – done. Ok, so we have to do something about the categories. So, Ashley and I brainstormed a bit more.

Dress Code Strictly Enforced
While most girls LIVE for the Evening Gown category – as a viewer, it bores me. And, how many times have you seen an evening gown at a club? Yeah, never, well unless there’s a pageant. So, let’s switch that out with Club Wear. Now, that’s some spice we need. And as for a former producer’s comments about calling it the “Miss Club Kid” pageant? Yeah, well if it wasn’t for Brad, you would have been cussed out and ran out of town a long ass time ago – zip it.

All By Myself
All right, some of the new girls can’t afford backup dancers and extravagant props, so let’s even the playing field. Ashley says let’s do a Solo Talent category – no props other than what you can carry on stage with you and no extra people like backup dancers and characters. You have to rely on your true talents as a performer? Wow, now there’s a concept – book it.

So far, so good; who thought work could be this much fun?